Saturday, September 15, 2007

Breaking News

I'm considering hard-hitting, no-nonsense investigative journalism as my fallback career.

ATHENS—New evidence surfaced Thursday in the investigation concerning Dinty Moore's alledged involvement with the Boys Scouts of America.
  Dinty W. Moore, a professor of creative writing at Ohio University, was accused of looking like a scoutmaster earlier this week. "I don't know—he just has that no-nonsense look about him, you know?" said one of Professor Moore's students, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "He looks like a cross between my dad and, uh, Smokey the Bear, I think."
  Professor Moore denied all accusations of involvement with scouting and took offense at the suggestion, refusing to comment on the issue. He was, however, happy to reveal that his name derives from a comic strip character created in 1913.
  Professor Moore is known for his work in creative nonfiction, a genre of literature no one has ever heard of before, and he edits an online literature magazine called Brevity. "I've never actually read it, but the website is classy looking," commented the anonymous student of Moore's.
  David Grover, a no-nonsense journalist who has taken upon himself to expose Professor Moore, seemed little deterred by the fact that writing and web design don't seem like scout-like activities. After taking up the case on Monday, Mr. Grover quickly exhausted his leads, but he refused to give up the case.
  "Listen, I'm a no-nonsense journalist, and I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I'm gonna crack this Baden-Powell wannabe like an egg, cause I'm a hard-hitting investigator."
  Mr. Grover later discovered that Professor Moore is the proud father of one daughter, a fact that seemed to puzzle him even more until late Thursday afternoon. But at a press conference held yesterday, Mr. Grover revealed his latest piece of evidence. According to him, Professor Moore "revealed his true colors" when visited by Grover in his office.
  "I brought him an essay that needed to be left outside his office for other students to pick up. There was no mailbox attached to the wall outside the door, but that didn't stop this closet-Eagle scout. He deftly looked over the situation and found a solution. He grabbed a folder and some tape, and he had me help him attach it to the door. Do the words 'Be prepared' mean anything to you? You should have seen the no-nonsense way he assumed authority as he directed me to hold the folder just-so as he applied the tape. We could've been scout and master constructing a tent or a latrine out in the woods, no problem. It's clear I've cracked this case with my hard-hitting techniques."
  But not everyone agrees with Mr. Grover's analysis. Joey Frankin, a some-nonsense journalist who enjoys softball, questioned what kind of tape Dinty Moore used in affixing the folder to the door. "If it was duct tape I'd be convinced right here and now, but as it stands I'm not so sure."
  Franklin also questioned Grover's methods: "Why didn't he just offer him some Gatorade and a Slim Jim, or maybe even a pimento cheese sandwich?"
  An independent witness confirmed that the tape used was common packing tape.

More details at nine.


dinty_w said...

Grover! You are in so much trouble.

David Grover said...

Yikes! I swear it wasn't me—it was this guy again!

Brett said...

I remember those scouting days eating pimento cheese sandwiches.... hmmmm