Practical Applications

If I got my three wishes, here is what I would do:

1. I would work as a courier. I'd get some business to pay me big bucks to deliver packages for them, or maybe I'd start my own business, and then I'd transport their mail for them for a few hours a week or something. I could be my own branch of the postal service, or maybe a super special UPS man in brown shorts (yikes!).

2. I'd woo a lady. We'd go on one of those super dates with dinner in New York and dessert in Paris and an evening stroll in the Great Barrier Reef. I'd wow her with exotic locations so as not to draw attention to my flaws. I'd send her love post cards, but I wouldn't actually send them; I'd transport in, leave one on her desk at work, and transport out. All the stamps would be handmade works of art. I'd learn calligraphy too.

3. Our wedding reception would be held on ice—I'd transport anyone in who was coming from out of town. Everyone would be ice skating around a rink completely decked out in awesome, except for old people and ice-haters, who could stand around eating cocktail weenies. I've actually written about this before, but now I can make it a reality:

First we'd have to decorate the place pretty good; ice rinks are notoriously ugly and warehouse-esque. Kate and I discussed the necessity of hanging lots of fabric to eat up the echoes and make the room more amenable to music and stuff. There could also be a thin layer of fog over the ice, giving the whole place a fantasy aspect, very "Night Among the Stars" prom-themed. People could have their pictures taken with the Zamboni. Then there'd have to be a stage erected on one side of the rink, for the band. Can you just imagine a rink full of elegantly dressed skaters semi-dancing to the sounds of a live band? Awesome. My lady and I would've worked hard to choreograph our first dance on ice, probably to something like "Everything I Do I Do It For You" or "More Than Words." (Seriously, can you imagine how much fun it might be to spend the weeks leading up to your wedding working on a figure skating routine with your lover? Just designing the costumes would be worth it.) Then, later on in the evening, I'd get up on stage and play with the band, some monster ballads and stuff. When it got time to play the solo to "Purple Rain" or "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," I'd jump off the stage, with my guitar, in my skates, and play those triumphant notes in all there glory as I skidded and twirled and skated to greatest effect.

(Read the full post.)

4. If I got bored of delivering mail, I'd sell myself to science by offering researchers stats from my book. I'm sure they could do something good with that, cure boredom or something.

5. I'd also fake my death once or twice, and leave clues for my wife (she's in on it, of course) to come find me.

6. I'd visit the moon. It'd be a short visit.


¹ What? I said I had faults!