Thursday, June 26, 2008


I've had the urge lately to be in an embarrassing commercial involving medicine or a hygiene product. You know what I'm talking about, something for Pepcid AC or Preparation H, or even a public service announcement for gonorrhea or something. Maybe a Gas-X commercial, something where my ability to make believable faces would help get the job.

Before, I thought about how humiliating that would be—there's a Seinfeld episode or something where someone gets on a poster for a disease and then all their friends think they have it. But now I think I would love it. I could tell all my friends to come over for the big premier (though I wouldn't tell them what I'd done the commercial for—we could take bets), and then, right in the middle of the commercial break after Double Jeopardy and before Final Jeopardy, there I'd be in living color, shooting hoops with the guys. I'd shoot and miss, and instead of going for a rebound I'd turn to the camera and confess that it's hard to play while constipated, but with new Ex-Lax® Maximum Strength laxitive, I'm getting prescription strength relief without a prescription. Cut to a computer-generated diagram of the medicine actually working in my bowels and a brief description of the possible side effects, and then back to me with a heartfelt testimonial about how important it is for me to stay regular, what with my active lifestyle. Then I'd post up, grab the pass, and sink a three-pointer.

I don't think I'd be embarrassed by that anymore. On the contrary, I'd crack up; I'd be proud of it. I'd learn all the facts about the product and spout them off whenever I got the chance, prescribing it to all my friends at the slightest provocation.

I just put this in because every post looks better with a picture. This is my brother's bike, which he sent me so I could begin training for my century ride. One day I saw a fox, and another day I almost ran over a five-foot-long snake.

What changed? When did I cease to be embarrassed by myself so much? As a kid I would gladly have died before putting myself out there like that. Not that I thought about being in Viagra commercials (not that they had them), but I did think about, oh, say dancing. Just the thought of dancing in public terrified me to no end. I don't know that I've ever had as much angst as I did in the weeks leading up to the 8th grade dance. Now I always want to watch Harry Potter 4 for no other reason than that it has a middle school dance in it and I love to feel that anxiety again.


Janssen said...

Oh it would be brilliant to be at the gym, watching the TV out of the corner of my eye and then do a serious double take when it was you on screen.

Sarah said...

It was a friends episode. But in a Seinfeld episode Kramer and his friends had a job pretending to have different illnesses so med students could diagnose them. They fought over having gonorrhea and Kramer's friend (who happens to be a little person) yelled at Kramer in front of Jerry and the gang, "You gave me gonorrhea!" Then Kramer yelled back something like "You said you wanted it!" Hilarious.

Jennifer said...

Guess what? I KNOW the Vagisil girl!!!

Sarah said...

I'm just trying to see something.