Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Why the Reverse Pretend Crush I Not a Viable Life Strategy:

A Call to Positive Action
by JM

A reverse pretend crush can be an effective paradigm if your ambitions don't exceed waking up on time and not dressing like a homeless man. If you actually want to accomplish things in life, you have to totally abandon the concept of the crush. It's childish and self-diminishing.

That doesn't mean that a reverse pretend meaningful-and-intimate relationship is any better. What it means is that if the only way to get out of bed is to lie to yourself, then there is a deeper problem that needs identification and correction. If you find it necessary to say to yourself each morning, "Oh! I had better dress fashionably to impress Betsy-Sue!" then you need to wholly re-evaluate your psychological state because the earthly truth is that Betsy-Sue doesn't give a damn about your Paul Mitchell styling gel or your Argyle dress socks, and if by some miracle she does notice how you've managed to mimic the model in the latest Banana Republic catalog, then you are inescapably caught in a maelstrom of emotions: has the reverse pretend crush gone too far? Has it become a real reverse crush? Will I break the reverse pretend crush rules by exploring his or her interest in my fashion sense? Has the prophecy been fulfilled, or is it mere coincidence? Both reverse pretend crushes and regular pretend crushes will end in sobs, though those sobs will originate from fundamentally different reasons.

Furthermore, pretend reverse crushing invokes an non-conscious and unfair attitude against the subject of the reverse crush. If you assure yourself that the reverse crush is truly pretend, then you will act accordingly and during discourse behave as though his or her words and actions are in some way complimentary toward you. At no fault of his or her own, the subject of the reverse crush will be exposed to a fa├žade that is both demeaning and unprofessional.

As previously stated, it shouldn't require self-deceit to function in society. Don't depend on the false admiration of an acquaintance to inspire you to wear some clean clothes, shave every once in a while, and behave like a normal human being. Instead, do it for yourself. Do it for your friends and family. Contribute to your nation and to humanity for the sake of productivity and the benefit of mankind. Dress like you don't live under a bridge, not to incorrectly diagnose your fake-heart-throb's every move, but to generally improve the aesthetic value of yourself and your surroundings.

Don't involve someone else in your petty excuses. Grow up and face reality, and maybe someone will actually develop a crush on you for who you are, not for who you don't not pretend not to falsely not be.


The Hippo said...

"A reverse pretend crush can be an effective paradigm if your ambitions don't exceed waking up on time and not dressing like a homeless man." those are my ambitions.

Saskia T said...

I'll have to vote for the fourth one, just for the last part of the last sentence.

Next time you do a contest like this, I really have to participate.