Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Reverse Pretend Crush

Behold my latest invention: the Reverse Pretend Crush.

It's not what it sounds like.

You know what a crush is—it's when you feel all delicate inside whenever that special someone walks by. Crushes are great, but they can have pretty undesirable consequences (disheveled hearts, mainly).

And I'm sure you can guess what a pretend crush is: it's when you only pretend to have a crush on someone. The bonus here is that you still get to have something to get up for, to get dressed and be on time for, but you don't risk nearly as much. You still get to gush and groan and giddily write letters to your mission-bound siblings, but there is lots less feeling sissy about never getting up the nerve to say anything. Not saying anything is the whole point. Pretend crushes can get you though the low times when a real crush is inadvisable or unfeasible.

For a long time, pretend crushes seemed like the way to go, but then, against all odds, I discovered their hidden danger.1

So now I've invented a replacement, something I'm pretty sure is foolproof. It's the reverse pretend crush. The thing is this: instead of imagining you have a crush on someone, you imagine someone has a crush on you.

[This is the sound of your mind being blown. If you were wearing socks, they are now across the room. If you weren't wearing socks, look down.]

Genius. You go to work or school or church or wherever secure in the pretend knowledge that Such'nsuch has a secret crush on you. You try to catch him or her looking wistfully in your direction. You try to look cool and say intelligent things so as not to destroy the illusion that you are indeed crushable and crushworthy. You dress a little nicer in the morning, brush that hair a little more gallantly because, hey, someone will be noticing.

It's working for me. One day on the pretend crush diet and suddenly I can match like a robot running the latest matching software. Check this out:


I got up this morning and put on my favorite shirt. This Mossimo polo from Target recently surpassed my old brown bartender shirt (thanks Liz, Christmas '06) as my luckiest top.



Then I put on my favorite shoes. I spent months searching for the perfect pair of silver New Balance and weeks breaking them in (fashion isn't comfort, says Kate), but it was all worth it. It was even worth sending back the first pair when they weren't quite right (thanks Zappos for your excellent customer service and thanks Zach for bringing the glory of silver shoes to my attention).



Next I slid on this pair of super socks (thank you Gap clearance rack and thank you old Gap gift-card-found-in-my-wallet-from-Christmas-with-a-few-bucks-left-on-it). How I got them on under my shoes I'll never figure out.



Lastly I went downstairs to see what was hanging in the coat closet, and I noticed this sweater, also Mossimo and also from Target, but purchased at least 8 months before and long since forgotten. Can you even believe it?


Watch out pretend crush! You dead.

1I don't want to talk about it. Get me on a good day and liquor me up with cheesecake or cream soda, and then maybe I'll talk. Maybe.

21 comments:

Janssen said...

The house is still echoing with the sounds of my mind being blown.

amy said...

great, now i have to go find aNOTHer pair of socks in this mess!!

Julie Bradshaw said...

You should be an MFA student. This was easily the best part of my morning. :)

madison said...

I LOVE IT!!! I LOVE IT!!!!! THIS IS BY FAR, WITHOUT QUESTION THE BEST IDEA YOU HAVE EVER HAD!!!! IT MIGHT BE THE BEST IDEA EVER THUNKED UP BY MAN!!!! YOU'RE A GENIUS!!! I'M SO DOING THIS!
Love,(as well as admiration)
Sarah

David Grover said...

Whoa, calm down, Sarah. Maybe you should pretend your husband's the one with a crush on you. Just to be safe.

madison said...

dream smasher.

Jennifer said...

I'm going to pretend that I have a crush on me. I think I'll see myself in a better light :)

Elisa said...

Interesting. Someone must have a crush on me because I've been matching without too much trouble for years.

The Hippo said...

I cxan pretend all I want but I will never be able to match. or belive someone has a crush on me. I know me too well for that.

Jennifer said...

hippo - you aren't uncrushable. You just CHOOSE to be :)

madison said...

word.

The Hippo said...

I'm the Eliot Ness of Crushes.

Joe said...

Grover, I don't want to sound snide but I've been holding reverse pretend crushes for years. (Years ago. :) For years, years ago. Ahem.) It's the way to go if you're too shy to talk to girls. I will say, however, that you may have invented a more potent strain, one that inspires heretofore unseen powers of matchitude.

The Pabst family said...

Dave, did you know I have a blog now? Are you checking it out? You betta! I've spent more than enuff hours reading about your messenger bags and such. The reverse cruch is so brilliant. I love it. I think I've kinda been doing that for years. It keeps my boring life exciting. Except I don't think the crushes are pretend. Everyone really does wish they had Jessi's--I mean Jared's girl!

Sarah said...

Hey Dave,
Thanks for the postcard! That was fun to get amid all the bills and advertisements. 100 pies huh? Lightweight.

Steve Morrow said...

Dave,
Here's the article for you and Joel. It was in Paste's September issue:
http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2008/09/hurts-so-good.html

Bart said...

I like it, Grover. I like it a lot.

Jennifer said...

What!? Where's MY postcard?!

Sarah said...

silly me. what I thought was a postcard was an advertisement for an all you can eat pie buffet boasting 100 different kinds of pies. My mistake.

amy said...

did anyone else notice that, though that last pic is featuring the jacket, and the jacket does, in fact, occupy most of the photo, the actual focus of the photo is Dave's fly?
i've also noticed that Dave's face isn't in any of these shots, not even his head. Allowing for the fact that they were specifically showcasing his wardrobe, it still leaves one to wonder whether Dave is just trying to attract attention to various parts of his body - most quite benign - and away from his face.
The reverse pretend crush. In conjunction with the pictures and well-crafted captions, i think you're actually exposing your intense and uncontrolable insecurities.
;)

David Grover said...

Gasp! Don't look at me!